My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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