just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
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She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
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He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
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