I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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