I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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