I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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