I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
