i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
