Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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