Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
