this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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