Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
