she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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