I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
