Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
