I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
