don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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