Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
