No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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