If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
