hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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