Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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