I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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