I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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