tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
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Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
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Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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