Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
