When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
