you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
