you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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