I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
