I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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