Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
