i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
