i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I forgot wine drunk hurts
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
