Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Randomize
