Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
