Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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