My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
