Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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