I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
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Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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