So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
