i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
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He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
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She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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