If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
