I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
