I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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