My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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