They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
