A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Dating After Heartbreak
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.