I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
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Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
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He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??