just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
he just fucked me for my cheese.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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