But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
