he wants to bone in the snuggie
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
