I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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