Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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