i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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