Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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