Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
