i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
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i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
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I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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