I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
YAS. BRING CRAB.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
