i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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