Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
So apparently I’m into choking now
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
